Awake my Soul

The hardest thing to write is the piece that you're scared for anyone else to read.

I wrote this 7 years ago and have decided to publish it for only one reason.

Someone else reading this only empowers the message.

I thought that the remarks about my body and what you wanted to do with it were harmless. I thought that your sleazy hands were just part of what came out of the bottle.They were until you couldnt help yourself. I trusted you. I dont now.

You took away my choice, you took from me dignity, you made me feel insignificant.

But tell me, how did it make you feel?

Could you feel the touch of my skin under your heavy fingertips? Could you feel excitement wash over my body with the stroke of your hand? Did you see love in my eyes as yours fixed on mine? Did you see happiness on my face when you undid my top and found bare skin beneath? Could you feel me shudder with ecstasy as you unzipped my jeans? Did you feel loved as your hands found every inch of my body? Can you remember? Did you feel weightless with my body under yours? Could you feel my nails rip at your arms when you kissed me? Did I kiss you back the way you had hoped I would? Did I make love to you the way you told me I had in all of those dreams that you told me you'd had of us? Did you feel strong holding me down? Could your tongue find excited goose bumps on my body as you bit and sucked my skin? Am I still beautiful? Do you still dream about me? Would you do it again? What would you give up to create another one of your fantasies? Does this feel good?

Let Me tell how I feel.

I can still feel my skin crawl with the touch of your skin on mine. I can still feel the sensation of dread creep about my body with each and every sorry stroke of your hand. I can see the lust in your eyes and still feel the sting of fear in mine. I can still taste a sourness in my mouth when I think about the look on your face. You look happy, Im sure I dont. I feel your greasy touch find my chest and a scream that wells up inside me finds no escape. I feel your hungry hands unzip my jeans and dread sours my stomach again. I dont feel love for you, hatred builds up instead. I feel your heavy hands holding mine down and an instant disrespect for strength comes upon me. I can feel your weight come down on me and the air inside me makes me want to burst. I feel your breath about my face and I just want to pass out or go to sleep - anything to get away from you. You're too close, you're hurting me, you're just..............too close. You make yourself a part of me. I feel your mouth on mine and I ache to scream but I cant. I need to scream but I cant. I try and try to scream but I cant. Can you hear me now? Can you hear my words now? Can you hear me saying No? Can you hear me saying Dont? Can you hear me pleading with you - please stop it -please dont? Do you hear me calling your name? Not in ecstasy - in disgust -with hatred- pained - in the hope that you hear me and respond. But you dont. I can feel your mouth on my body and your teeth bite into my skin and God please make this stop, my body does not respond to you, it isnt asking for more, I never asked for any of this, i need you to stop. I go numb, trying desperately not to feel you anymore.

I still wake in the middle of the night and see you, feel you, smell you and dread you. It takes a moment for me to realise that I am home, I am safe and you're not here. It takes so much more than that moment for the dread to go away.